Fear is the shadow side of the first chakra. When I think of the fear that was in me when hitting bottom it is no wonder I had to drink. INTENSE. The fear of something so new and completely opposite of everything I was living scared me to death. The struggle I was in for so long was still more comfortable than making any change. When that shifted and the pain of staying in the struggle was bigger than the fear of stepping out of it I was at the very beginning of Step One without even knowing it.
ASKING FOR HELP
I reached out to a friend who knew I was struggling and she agreed to take me to a meeting. She was not in recovery but knew I needed it. I had a meeting list and chose a beginner Big Book option. Whatever that was, it said beginner. The FEAR on the way to the meeting was so intense I asked her to turn around, I didn't want to go. She told me I was not getting out of the car until I got to the meeting. DIVINE INTERVENTION. She walked me into the meeting and told me she would wait in the car. MORE FEAR as I sat amongst strangers in a meeting. I introduced myself when asked if anyone was new. I didn't know about anonymity and said my full name, not that it really mattered at that point. They welcomed me and gave me a coin and I cried. This was the first release of some of that fear.
Next, they started to read from the book, going around the room in order. MORE FEAR! I would have to read in front of people? I was counting the paragraphs to see what I would have to read. I managed my turn with shaky hands and voice. More release of fear came.
At the end of the meeting, they spoke with me and told me to keep coming back. I had taken the first part of the first step. It was so intense but the small amount of relief I felt filled me with hope, so I kept coming back.
“Sometimes you don’t know when you’re taking the first step through a door until you’re already inside.”
― Ann Voskamp