My recovery has been a series of subtle changes of the body, mind, and spirit. When I put down the drink, changes in my physical body began. I had to learn how to sleep, how to manage the abundance of energy (emotions) that was not getting chilled out, and how to nourish my body with food to call out a few. My thinking began to shift as I worked the steps and listen to others. Slowly, very slowly, I could see in my story all the insanity. Spiritually the change began with the simple prayer "please help me through the next five minutes." Again, very slowly, my spiritual practices started to take root and flourish. The thing is, as far as I have come, I continue to shift.
The first time I told my story I said f*** forty times in twenty minutes. I only know this because one of the men at the meeting counted. I am a rough around the edges girl. I was a barefoot kid who got dirty in the yard with two older brothers to try and keep up with. That said, I was wearing a princess dress while doing it all!
My heart is in helping others. My heart is in being true to myself in the process. My heart is about continuing to embrace the person I am and letting go of what others think of me in the process. It is none of my business.
Today I realize I am not looking to be the Queen of Having it All Togetherland. I like being the Princess of Barefootville, it is more fun than squeezing into fancy shoes that restrict who I am.
My heart is in helping others. My heart is in being true to myself in the process. My heart is in embracing my imperfections, growing towards the sunlight of the spirit, and to walk side by side with others on the path.
Recovery is life and death to me. Just for today, I will choose life with all it's messiness. I choose to move my rough around the edges self forward, slowly, subtly, and unapologetically.
“The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.”
― Steve Maraboli, Unapologetically You: Reflections on Life and the Human Experience