As I rode to work this morning, I pulled up some of my favorite music by Sinead O'Connor. Sinead's music has enormously impacted me both before and during my recovery. Her music continues to touch my heart since the release of The Lion and the Cobra in 1987.
As I listen to Feel So Different from the album, I Do Not Want What I Haven't Got, it took me right back to my very first meeting. As the words unfolded, I thought about how they related to me throughout this journey. I felt inspired to share this interpretation with you.
God grant me the serenity to
Accept the things I cannot change Courage to change the things I can And the wisdom to know the difference
I am not like I was before I thought that nothing would change me I was not listening anymore Still you continued to affect me
I was not thinking anymore Although I said I still was I'd said, "I don't want anymore" Because of bad experience
But now I feel so different I feel so different I feel so different
I have not seen freedom before And I did not expect to Don't let me forget, now I'm here Help me to help you, to behold you
I started off with many friends And we spent a long time talking I thought they meant every word they said But like everyone else, they were stalling
And now they seem so different They seem so different They seem so different
I should have hatred for you But I do not have any And I have always loved you Oh, you have taught me plenty
The whole time
I'd never seen All you had spread before me
The whole time I'd never seen All I need was inside me
Now I feel so different Feel so different I feel so different
I feel so different I feel so different
God grant me the serenity to
Accept the things I cannot change Courage to change the things I can And the wisdom to know the difference
I never heard the Serenity Prayer before this song. In fact, I wasn't even aware it was a prayer. I just thought it was part of the song. I must have listened to this song hundreds of times before going into my first meeting. When they gave me a 24-hour coin with the Serenity Prayer on the back, I was floored, and tears began the stream down my face.
I am not like I was before I thought that nothing would change me I was not listening anymore Still you continued to affect me
In recovery, I learned I was definitely NOT like I was before my addiction kicked in. I was so full of fear that my survival strategies were on lockdown, and I DEFINITELY thought NOTHING would change me. I was listening to no one, especially not to any form of a Higher Power. STILL, the Higher Power of my own understanding continued to affect me despite my lack of participation.
I was not thinking anymore Although I said I still was I'd said, "I don't want anymore" Because of bad experience
The denial was so thick I didn't know I was not thinking, so yes, I said I still was. In my mind and soul, a very soft voice did not want anymore because of the continued bad experiences.
But now I feel so different I feel so different I feel so different
Now in recovery, even in the first 30 days, I felt so different.
I have not seen freedom before And I did not expect to Don't let me forget, now I'm here Help me to help you, to behold you
I had not seen freedom from alcohol since I started, and I had no idea that was even possible. Now that I am here don't let me forget what got me here. Help me be of service and honor my recovery and my fellows.
I started off with many friends And we spent a long time talking I thought they meant every word they said But like everyone else, they were stalling
These were what I call barstool friends. Talking all kinds of nonsense, me included. None of us meant every word we said, and there was a ton of stalling because the relationships were not genuine.
And now they seem so different They seem so different They seem so different
Once I sobered up, yes, they seemed so different. Eventually, as I began to change, those friendships faded into nothing. They seemed different to me as I grew.
I should have hatred for you But I do not have any And I have always loved you Oh, you have taught me plenty
I relate this to my relationship with alcohol. There was a time as I grieved the loss of that relationship when I was filled with anger and resentment towards alcohol. Today, I value what I have learned. I never would have the gifts of recovery without all my experiences. So yes, that relationship with alcohol taught me plenty. I did love the alcohol, and I have healthy respect that I could fall in love with it all over if I forget what happened.
The whole time
I'd never seen All you had spread before me
The whole time I'd never seen All I need was inside me
I could not see anything spread before me until my head, heart, and soul began to clear up. Deep down inside, it took a while in recovery to know that my Higher Power, the Divine, was within me as it is within you. The Divine has been with me my entire life and fills me with All I Need.
Now I feel so different
Yes, I do feel so different. Completely different. Blessed different. Lifted different. Authentically different. Joyously different.